Anti-cancer, but also anti-pink!

I wrote an anti-pink blog back in October of 2010, and I am surprised that two years later, come this time of year, other cancer survivors/fighters are still finding MY blog while searching for anti-pink ribbons.

Here is a link to my original post:

October is my favorite month...BUT...

While Ford's Warriors in Pink commercials have begun airing during my favorite TV shows, I have to say that I am not quite as annoyed as I have been in past years.

Actors such as Billy Gardell and Neil Patrick Harris are seen wearing the Warrior in Pink apparel, and the commercial says that you can pick where your donation goes (according to uneasy pink there are four different organizations from which you can choose). This makes seeing so much pink a little easier.

I think having been in remission now for almost 8 years helps, too. I am proud to have the title of SURVIVOR, but more than anything, I want to be LONNIE. I am a flawed human, like everyone else. I just happened to be extremely blessed to have not been defeated by an ugly word and disease.

For all of my fellow cancer survivors, and those cancer fighters, who can't stand the wash of pink this time of year, just try and remember that there are other wonderful organizations out there like Stand Up to Cancer and the American Cancer Society that aren't only concerned about the ta-tas.

Don't forget to brush (and floss) your teeth!

That may sound like a funny title, and you are probably saying to yourself, "Eww! Of course I remember to brush my teeth!"

The reason for my post is that while I was undergoing chemotherapy, and fighting for a life that was likely to be cut way too short, taking care of my teeth was the last thing on my mind. And, apparently, it also wasn't a concern of my doctors.

While I was going through chemo, my sister had braces. One day, about a year into my treatments, I was feeling pretty good, and I accompanied my mom and sister to her orthodontist appointment. That day, there was a visiting doctor in the office. A very nice man, who offered to take a look at my mouth while my sister was brushing her teeth. I remember him telling my mom and I that chemo causes dry mouth (this I knew very well!) and that because there was a lack of saliva, that bacteria could grow.

It's funny, because I remember this conversation very well now, but did not think too much of it during those days of treatment. There were days in those beginning months where I was so depressed that I had to be made to get up and take a shower. I really truly wish I had taken better care of my teeth and brushed every day, if not twice a day.

Anyway, over the last few years, I have had a lot of oral problems, mostly all stemming from side effects of chemo. I have had four root canals, and two were unsuccessful and lead to extractions of the teeth. Both of those happened before I was 30. I have found a dentist who is working with me to get my mouth back up to par. This includes having five teeth pulled, luckily, three of which are my wisdom teeth (the fourth one never came in), but that is still two more molars that I am losing.

I have been planning to write something like this for weeks now, but what actually made me sit down and write it is that the very woman who saved my life, my family nurse practitioner, is also fighting a battle that flossing her teeth might have prevented.

Laura suffered a stroke while driving last year. Over the past year she has made leaps and bounds towards her recovery, but in the last few weeks she developed an infection in her brain. It was recently discovered that the infection was quite possibly caused by gum disease. In a recent update, Laura asked her daughter to remind family and friends to floss their teeth! The doctors have given her antibiotics and they believe the infection will go away.

Back to my original topic. Take care of your mouth! There are so many health issues that can be avoided just by brushing and flossing daily.

For anyone currently going through chemotherapy, here is a link to Colgate's website, and information on chemotherapy and dental health. Here is another link for Livestrong that has information from the American Dental Association, National Cancer Institute and the Siteman Cancer Center.

CBS News Story

My mom sent me a link tonight to a CBS News story on Adolescents and Young Adults with cancer, and how this is a growing group of cancer patients. The story focused on two cancer patients who are in remission or cured, but who have issued stemming from their chemotherapy. Reading the article, I was reminded of what I went through, but it was when I watched the video that a wave a nausea and/or anger came over me.

When I was told I had cancer, before I had any biopsies done, or any diagnostic tests to try and pinpoint the cancer, I made it known that my biggest fear was that it was in my female parts and that I would have to have a hysterectomy. When I found out that it wasn't gynecological, my mind went to fighting whatever it was. At the time, before beginning any treatment, no one ever asked me about saving my eggs for the future. I was 22 years old, and I had every intention of beating cancer. I was also in a long-term, monogamous relationship.

I have blogged before about wanting kids and not knowing if that will ever happen for me. It seems irresponsible for my doctors, any of them, all of them, to not have this conversation with me. I know my prognosis was not good, and it only got worse once I started treatment; but here I am. I am 31 years old, married to a wonderful man, and I don't know if I will ever be able to have children of my own. And that sucks.

Here's to 2012 Being the Healthiest Yet

As I mentioned in an earlier post, I have struggled with my weight all my life. But that struggle is probably what saved my life. Many women would be horrified to share their actual weight with the world, but in this new era of reality TV (with Biggest Loser and Celebrity Fit Club being huge successes), more women are sharing. I am going to join their ranks, as a way to help myself keep losing weight.

First of all, I am doing this without the help of programs like Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig. The big reason, I love food, and I love to cook. I cannot imagine having prepackaged foods sent to my house weekly. What I am doing is cutting down on, and keeping track of, my calories. This past August, while visiting Orlando, I purchased a Fitbit Trainer. I was looking for a pedometer to keep track of the steps I took while walking around Walt Disney World and Universal Orlando. What I got was so much more. The Fitbit Trainer counts your steps, but also calculated distances, calories burned and keeps track of your sleep efficiency. That in itself is pretty cool, but what is truly awesome is the accompanying website http://www.fitbit.com/. The site lets you keep track of the foods you eat. There is a database of common foods, and you can add to the database if what you ate is not listed. You can also create meals, by adding the ingredients. Once I figured this all out, I cut my caloric intake down to 1600-1800 calories a day.

At my heaviest, I weighed 279 pounds. When I first heard this number, I was so disappointed in myself. Granted, in a lot of ways, I had no control of the weight I gained. When I was diagnosed with Hypomagnesemia (a condition where my body is low on magnesium, an essential electrolyte) in September of 2004, I was given daily magnesium infusions. The magnesium was administered in one liter of saline. As you know, saline is salt water. I do not know exactly how many liters of salt water I was given, but I gained so much weight, that in the spring of 2005 I asked my doctor if they could put the magnesium in a smaller amount of liquid. I really wish I had asked this question months earlier, as they were able to administer the dosage in 50 milliliters of dextrose, a sugar solution.

When I got married in May of 2007, I had lost about 15 pounds and was happier with myself. I think that came from the amount of walking I did around Las Vegas, while I was finishing my Bachelor's degree at UNLV. A few more years, and I had gotten down to 250 pounds, which made me feel better, as I was only 10 pounds heavier than what I was before I got sick. At the time, this was a number I could live with.

Today, I weigh 228 pounds. My goal weight (for now) is 200 pounds. My Fitbit website says that I should reach that goal by July of this year. That excites me, because my brother is getting married in October, and I look forward to rocking a great dress. It has been a while since I have looked forward to buying a dress (or any clothes for that matter). My sister will also be getting married in a little over a year, and that gives me an even bigger incentive to get my but in gear and get fit and HEALTHY.

November 2006, approximately 280 pounds

December 2011, approximately 230 pounds

What are some things that you do to keep off the weight, or live healthier after the chemo is done? For those of you still fighting the battle, do you think about what you will do once it is over, or is the focus on the here and now? What about for those who are just trying to live a healthier life? Any pointers, recipes, or just general support is greatly appreciated!

(NOTE: This is not an advertisement for Fitbit. I just love mine!)

Happy New Year!

I can't believe it has been almost a year since I have posted on this blog. Wow, I guess this can be seen as a good thing. It means I am putting my cancer diagnosis behind me, as best I can.

The last year has been a pretty good one. My most recent CT Scan came back clear, which is always good. I am still in remission. I still don't want to use the word "cured" as I don't really know if I will ever be considered cured.

I did have a scare last spring, that may or may not be related to my cancer diagnosis. I was having major lower right facial pains, which was diagnosed as trigeminal neuralgia, but in true Lonnie form, my symptoms were much different from the normal presentation. I won't bore you with all the details, but I will say that after many trips to a neurologist, an MRI, and 9 months of Gabapentin (greatest multi-use drug out there), I have not had any pains in close to 9 months.

This year I hope to finish telling my story (which includes taking time to scan pictures), or at least continue telling my story, as I plan to have a long and HEALTHY life. Now that I have graduated from grad school, I may actually have the time to do this.

Happy New Year to all, and best wishes for good health!

An Interesting Comparison

I just finished my summer school class, and I really can't seem to see how this was a "summer" class. It was 12 weeks, same as all my other 3 credit classes. While I am very happy to be done with this class, it reminds me of my trek through the world of cancer treatments. Well, sort of. Getting my Master's degree is a bit different from going through chemotherapy, but there are a lot more similarities that I would have ever thought.

First off, grad school gives me headaches. Staring at the computer, reading documents written by smarty pants that use words I have never heard, having to write documents with words I hadn't heard of, and working with people who don't necessarily see eye to eye. That has been my grad school experience so far, full of headaches.

Chemo made more than my head hurt. It made my body sore, and nauseated. Sometimes I had to listen to doctors use words I had never heard, but at least they were nice enough to explain in lay-man's terms. Chemo rendered me useless for days afterwards, but that very first day after, I had A LOT of energy. Chemo could make me very cranky (but I still reserve that right, I was dealing with cancer!).

Grad school makes me cranky. Problem with this one is, there are a whole lot of people who are going through the same thing I am, and maybe not complaining as much. :) Or there are even more people who have already been through what I have, but had it a lot worse. So, while reading, writing, listening, and working with people makes me cranky, I have to remind myself to suck it up, there is an end in sight.

We used to joke that we could see that light at the end of my chemo tunnel, and we just hoped that it wasn't the train! I honestly couldn't tell you the exact number of treatments I had, the number of shots (that one I could guess), the amount of CT scans (or AWFUL Barium I had to drink), or blood transfusions I endured as a cancer patient. But there is a key word there, ENDURED. That means I survived. If I could survive a year and a half of chemo, losing my hair, being away from the man I love, why I am complaining about grad school? Oh yeah, it's what I do!

A friend gave me a book for my 20th birthday, "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff, and Its All Small Stuff." That is me, I worry  (and complain) about the small stuff, while the big stuff, like cancer, doesn't phase me. I did what I had to do to survive. That's who I am. It's kind of funny, as I started this post, this wasn't where I was going at all. I love that I am learning more and more about myself, by putting myself out there and sharing.

Okay, 21 credits (I hope) down, 19 more to go! May 15, 2011 will be here before I know it, and then I will just have to find some other project to annoy myself with, that reminds me what truly is important life. I am doing this to better myself.

So, while grad school gives me headaches, it has also exposed me to people and knowledge that I did not know or have. It has opened up my mind to world I thought I knew, given me opportunities to expand my horizons, figure out what I want to do with this one life I have. And I have to say, last August when I began this journey, I really wasn't sure what I wanted to do. I'm not saying I have figured out what I want to be when I "grow up," but there is a clearer path ahead of me, with different forks and options. I look forward to this journey, and wonder just where it will take me.

The BEST Medicine I've Found!

I remember back in July of 2003, I was taken off of certain medications, and told that I could drink alcohol again. Marshall and I had found a winery in Gatlinburg, TN called Smoky Mountain Winery, and fell in LOVE. They have about 20 types of wine, most made with muscadine grapes. Turns out these muscadine grapes are CHOCK FULL of antioxidants! I don't really believe in coincidences (I'm an "everything happens for a reason" kind of girl), so I attribute a lot of my survival on this wine. Around the time I began drinking it, my tumors started to get a lot smaller. First the lung tumors went away, and the tumor in the liver began to shrink.
I, along with my family, believe that chemo, prayer, and muscadine wine saved my life. I have found that MANY vineyards in the southeast grow muscadine grapes, however, a lot of this wine is very syrupy. I prefer a slightly sweet wine over dry, however, I prefer my wine very crisp. If you find yourself in Gatlinburg, the Smoky Mountain Winery is in Winerry Square, west of the Parkway, after 441/321 split. (We have also tried Apple Barn Winery and Mountain Valley Winery in nearby Sevierville and Pigeon Forge, TN and Chateau Elan, outside Atlanta, but they all fell into the syrupy category.) Duplin Winery in North Carolina was the first winery I found that would ship to New Mexico, and had decent wine, but now we stock up in Gatlinburg. My mom is even drinking it now to help with her blood disorder.
 
I personally love the Mountain Red and Mountain White, but also buy the Brookside White for cooking, as it is drier than the Mountain versions. And if you really prefer the sweet, but not necessarily dessert wines, the Muscadine White and Muscadine Red are really good too. :)

Chemotherapy

I was diagnosed with Metastatic Carcinoma of Unknown Primary. Big words that basically meant I had cancer, it had spread, and they didn't know where it started. How do doctors treat something that they don't know much about? Shotgun therapy. That is what we were told they were going to do. At the time, I had heard this phrase before, but I really had no clue what it meant. Apparently, it means shoot it with all they've got, and hope and pray it works. This is EXACTLY what we did.

I began my chemo treatments on a Friday in May. (Quite possibly the first Friday, but I don't remember the exact date.) When I met with Dr. Guidice to go over my prognosis and treatment plan, he told me that we would try this shotgun therapy, every three weeks. And if I didn't take well to it, to let him know and we would stop. Otherwise, every three weeks, with CT scans like every 12 weeks. The chemo, Taxol and Carboplatin, would be administed over 6 hours.

My first chemo session at New Mexico Oncology

Marshall came in for my first chemo treatment. I was scared, but opptomistic that this would save my life. I don't remember a lot from that first day. I got there and was taken to a private room with a bed. An IV was started, and blood was drawn. Like most therapies, my blood counts were important in the dosage. I was given saline to keep the vein open while they ran my labs. I wish I could remember what was said to comfort me, and my family, on this first foray into being a cancer patient, but I really don't. Another standard of my chemo, was a dose of Benadryl, given through the IV, in case I had any sort of allergic reaction. Benadryl, of course, puts me to sleep. So I was excited that I would get to sleep through most of the chemo, since 6 hours is a LONG time. Well, I had hoped I would sleep. Funny thing about receiving IV fluids over 6 hours, it makes you have to pee. Like every half hour it seemed. Luckily, the restroom was right outside the private room I was in, unluckily, I was extremely weak. Marshall had to help me up each time, and the toilet in the bathroom was so low, I could not physically pull myself up, after going to the bathroom. I wish I could say that this was the worst humiliation I suffered while going through treatments, but it was just the tip of the iceberg.

The nursing staff at New Mexico Oncology really were my angels, and for my second chemo, had gotten a toilet riser, which if you have never heard of this, it is an elevated seat, with handles. I was so very excited that I would not need help getting off the toilet. Only problem, I was getting weaker and weaker as the weeks went on. Getting up was no longer the main issue, but just getting to the bathroom in the first place. Again, the wonderful nurses had another idea to make my chemo sessions as hassle-free for me and my mom (and Marshall when he could make it) as possible. They suggested a catheter. Wait, what?!?!? Yeah, that doesn't sound hassle free, AND it sounds painful. It took a little convincing, but the catheter won out in the end. I don't remember exactly how many weeks and chemo treatments I had a catheter inserted, but it was a few or more. There were definite ups to the catheter. I could sleep through the treatment once the Benadryl kicked in, which was generally around 3-4 hours.

I wrote earlier of secondary effects of chemotherapy, but there was some immediate effects I had to deal with. First, chemo plays havoc on your blood cells, so even though I was only scheduled for chemo every three weeks, I had to go into the oncologists office every Friday, to have my blood drawn. Depending on my levels, red blood counts and white blood counts, I had a have a shot, sometimes two. Pretty much every Friday I had to have a Procrit shot. This shot is to help increase the amount of red blood cells, and hurts like hell. The best way to receive this shot is very slowly, as it burns less. The shot for white blood cells, Neupogen was given less often, but was much worse. You see, in order to produce more white cells, you have to get the bone marrow involved, and for those of you who don't remember, bone marrow is INSIDE the bones. Stimulating the inside of the bones is not fun, and very painful. This shot was also given in threes. After three injections, they would check my blood again, and if they white blood cells hadn't increased, I had to keep getting the shot. I learned after the first shot to take ibuprofen BEFORE the shot. On those Fridays, when I wasn't sure if I neeed the Neupo (as it was referred to) or not, I would take 400mg of ibuprofen right after.

Chemo, and weekly blood tests became a steady part of my life, and I guess the biggest thing I can say, at least I was never afraid of needles.

Look Good...Feel Better...

I was just watching Rachael Ray (presumably a repeat, since it is summer) and Catherine Zeta-Jones was her guest. Is there a more beautiful woman? While I have not necessarily enjoyed all of the characters she has played, I do find her to be fascinating. On this particular episode, Catherine and Rachael were discussing Elizabeth Arden's new Red Door Red Lipstick where 100% of the proceeds go to Look Good...Feel Better.

I am a HUGE fan of this project, as I was a recipient of one of their boxes of goodies. I am still not sure if my mom got in touch with a program coordinator through the hospital, my oncologists office, or how, but on one of my last days in the hospital, the second time, I got a wonderful make-over.

At this point, I still had all of my hair, as I had only one prior chemo treatment, but I did have extremely dry skin. Cancer patients need to be very careful with what we put on our skin. I was taught the correct way to apply make-up, which, unless you have been to a Mary Kay party, who really knows how to do that? I was also shown how to line my eyebrows, which in a few short months, would be gone. For those patients who have lost their hair, they teach great tricks with scarves and wigs, and how to take care of a delicate scalp.

Look Good...Feel Better receives donations from all the big cosmetic companies. My box included Clinique, Este Lauder, Elizabeth Arden, Chanel and Clarins, to name a few.

Here are some facts from Look Good...Feel Better's website:

• Look Good…Feel Better is a free, non-medical, brand-neutral, national public service program founded in 1989 and supported by corporate donors to help women offset appearance-related changes from cancer treatment.
• Each two-hour, hands-on workshop includes a 12-step skin care/make-up application lesson, demonstration of options for dealing with hair loss, and nail care techniques. Held at comprehensive care clinics, hospitals, ACS offices, and community centers, local group programs are organized by the American Cancer Society, facilitated by LGFB-certified cosmetologists, and aided by general volunteers. Patients in various stages of treatment receive make-over tips and personal attention from professionals trained to meet their needs. They also use and take home complimentary cosmetic kits in their appropriate skin tones (light, medium, dark, extra dark) with helpful instruction booklets. Professional advice is provided on wigs, scarves and accessories. (Teen sessions also include social and health tips.) More than 50,000 individuals participate each year in small groups of five to ten, offering each patient a supportive circle, as well. Group programs represent the highest level of expertise available (the “gold standard”) in LGFB services.

As soon as I get my pictures scanned, I would love to share my Look Good...Feel Better makeover. It really made me feel better about everything I was going through.

Funny Story 1

Each week I will tell a funny story, and while they may not seem exactly funny, I chose to look at them as funny, as a way to help me cope. (Actually, most of them are quite funny, after the fact.)

Right after I was diagnosed, I recieved tons of flowers and stuffed animals to keep me company in the hospital. My sister gave me this little purple hippo. He was so cute, and fit perfectly up by my head on the top of the hospital bed. One particularly bad night (that I have some memories of, but not all), I was talking in my sleep. Not so weird, since I do this all the time. My mom's best friend, my "Aunt" Vicki was staying with me that night, so Mom could get a good night's sleep. Poor Vicki wasn't as lucky. In my cancer-related stupor, I was so concerned that my purple hippo was trying to EAT Vicki. I guess I must have been really convincing, because Vicki went and got a nurse, who proceeded to tell her that nightmares and talking was normal. I do have a hazy memory I her saying something like listen to her, and the nurse conceeding that maybe it I wasn't acting exactly normal. I do remember being told by the nurse that he was giving me some Demoral, and to try to not fighting it. I then had a really restfull night.

While you may not be thinking WOW! That WAS funny! Just picture a stuffed, purple hippo, about the size of a football. He was so cute. And I am okay sharing this story with you, to show that even prior to chemo brain, some crazy stuff went down.

My Family

I think I may have been unfair to my family in my first couple of posts. They really are great people. I have three siblings, twin brothers, and a younger sister, along with my parents. Here are some stories about them, and how they did support me while going through cancer treatment.

During my first hospital stay, my brother Tres spent the night with me at the hospital. This was one of the nights I had to have a blood transfusion, and he helped me drag my IV stand to the bathroom, NUMEROUS times. He also offered to stay home that summer to help out, instead of doing an internship for school. Of course I told him to go, and he now works for that some company he interned for. Tres was actually there quite a bit. I have more stories, but I think I will save those, for now.

My other brother, Reed, offered to move home from where he and Tres were going to school, several times. The day I shaved my head (that is a whole story in and of itself), he brought me a bunch of his bandanas. I know how hard it had to have been for both of my brothers (who turned 20, right after I was diagnosed) to summon the strength my parents needed from them. They were both there, smiling as best they could.

My sister, Traci, is 7 years younger than I am, so when I ended up back home, she 15, and finishing her Freshman year of high school. I still feel so bad, because when she was growinig up, my parents always told her that her time would come. When it would just be the three of them. My brothers graduated from high school in 2001, and I ended up back home in April 2003, so she had less than 2 years of "just her" time. I think she handled everything as best she could. We had such a good time together, especially when I was feeling up to it, and Marshall was in town, we did things like go to the zoo, or balloon fiesta. I got to see my sister as the beautiful young woman she was becoming, as well as one of my best friends.

My parents drive me nuts but ground me all at the same time. They were both in the military, and I am proud to say I was (and am) a military brat. My parents met in the Air National Guard, although my dad was first in the Air Force and served in Vietnam. Through his time in the Air Force and Air Guard, he hurt his back. When I was in middle school, he had back surgery to fuse his spine, where he had disks removed. The back surgery was successfull, but the trauma caused him to be diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. I believe I was a junior or senior in high school when he finally admitted that he really did have MS and began treatment. My mom spent 27 years in Air Guard, retiring after 20 years active duty as a recruiter. Three months after her official retirement, she suffered a stroke in July 2001. Turns out she has a blood disorder that causes blood clots to form directly in her lungs.
Aren't we a lucky family?

So, my dad has MS, my mom had a stroke, and then I was diagnosed with cancer. Seeing as my mom and dad both survived, we all knew that I too would pull through this, and I did. With their love and support.

Then there is Marshall. We met in Las Vegas, at a bar. I was visiting friends, and taking care of things so I could register at UNLV for the fall semester. He was there for a conference. I can't say it was love at first site, but he saw something in me, and I was intrigued by him. We exchanged email addresses and I was certain I would never hear from again. Turns out I did, but even I had no idea what would soon happen. He was 46 years old (I was 21) and twice divorced. He had two children, not much younger than me, but as the emails turned into phone calls, I found myself drawn to him. He was so easy going, and I could tell from the beginning, he was genuinely interested in what I had to say. I met him in May, he told me he loved me in July, I flew to meet him in Georgia in September, and had moved here by the end of December. The most whirlwind romanace I have ever had, and 8 years later, we are still going strong.

They Say Children Are Our Future, But Are They In Mine?

So many friends of mine are pregnant, including my sister-in-law, and while I am very happy for them, I can’t help but feel devasted at the same time.


Let me clarify, I don’t know if I can have children. A couple years ago, my husband and I decided we were going to start trying. I bought a book where I could keep track of my periods and all of that, but then my periods stopped showing up.

I made an appointment with a new OBGyn in Athens. The original OBGyn I had been seeing did not accept Medicare anymore, and so I had been getting my annual exams done by my PCP. I scheduled the appointment with the new OBGyn to discuss fertility issues related to my cancer treatment; however, I believe this doctor looked at me and saw a 250 pound woman, NOT a cancer survivor (more about my weight in a later post), because instead of talking about fertility tests, he mentioned that a lot of overweight women find it easier to concieve AFTER losing weight. Well, that makes sense.

Although, in my case, I would like to know if I can or cannot have children. What good is losing weight going to do for my yearning to be a parent IF chemo completely wrecked my reproductive system? This doctor is still my doctor, for now. Mostly because I was laid off from my job as a travel agent in May 2009. My husband and I decided that with steady money not coming in (he is self-employed), trying to get pregnant at that time was not exactly smart.

The truly sad part of the whole story is a lack of support from my family. When I was sick, everyone said it was unfair to a child to bring them into a world where I might not exist. Then once I got better, it was unfair to a child to have a father so much older than them. (Marshall is 54 years old, 25 years older than me, more on that later, too). I still don’t understand why I should be punished or penalized for falling in love with someone older, or the fact that I got sick?

My younger brother (whose wife is currently expecting) has a little girl who is almost 4 years old. She is such a joy. When he found out that Marshall and I wanted to start a family of our own, he called me to discuss all the things about parenthood that you don’t learn until you are in the throes of parenthood. And he basically called me selfish, that I was too self-centered to be a parent.

Again, I don’t understand how people who have children and know what a blessing they are would ever want to deny others from feeling that way. Obviously, I know that being a parent is not a walk in the park, but as in everything in life, you have to work at it to be happy and successful.

Marshall and I have a pretty good life now. His business takes up a lot of his time and we can’t just up and leave for a week anymore, but with a little planning, there is not a lot stopping us from doiong what we want. I do really enjoy that. But I know more than anything, I want to be a parent someday. I also know that if it never happens, Marshall and I have a strong enough relationship to make it through. What I worry about is what happens after Marshall is gone. We could have 30 more years together, but I always hear that the children are what help widows and widowers move on. Who will I have down the road?

We have talked about adoption, in passing. I had planned to have an indepth conversation about adoption on a recent trip, but we were having such a good time. But I do believe that is an option.